Tough Stuff- Saying Goodbye

Sometimes the hardest part about travelling is not being able to go home at a moments notice when it’s really important. A few days ago, our family lost a member; my aunt Pat. The news came over the internet waves like most information I receive these days, and I can only be thankful that this kind of technology exists. As I cried over the laptop with my mom and dad, I cursed that the teleportation or instant money technology hasn’t been invented yet.

It’s a hard notion to wrap your head around that things may not be the same when you get home; people have moved on, moved out, hooked up, got married, and even passed away. And as much as I want to go back to the life I left on October 23rd, 2008, I know that will never happen. All that any traveller can hope for is that there will be a place for them, somewhere, when they do decide to return. And all I can offer when I’m gone, is that everyone can trust that I think about them everyday, and miss them more. Here are some words to describe aunt Pat; may she find peace where she is now.

Patricia Coulson Hawes
March 17th, 1948- July 8th 2009

She wasn’t a woman that I got to know very well outside the realm of an aunt, but the life she lived was the greatest way that I had gotten to know her. Her children, Kyle, Amy, and Julie, were always a great inspiration and influence for me and I’m sure to a lot of others as well. They are a true reflection of Pat and all the things that made her a wonderful person, multiplied into three wonderful people. Opening her home to Grandma and caring for her for many years. Her work with teaching challenged children; a gift to her students and a reflection of her kind, generous nature. Finally, her way of being; always being the picture of happiness, even when things may not have been, her brilliant sense of humor, her warm and inviting regard; and for me, her laugh. The most honest and joyful laugh, that when I close my eyes, I can hear it and picture her face.

She was not only my aunt, but a mother and a grandmother, a sister, a partner, and a friend. A magnificent woman whom I will miss greatly, and I only hope that I can express that here, as I cannot be with the family at this time.

Still searching

I'm having a mid trip crisis. Someone asked me how long I've been here and when I told them, 5 months, they coolly remarked that I was almost at my half year mark; half the trip was over. I was not very happy with this and didn't even put it together that I was almost at 6 months. So for the past week I'm been having major mood swings and questioning what I'm really doing. I've hardly done anything, and there's so much that I want to do. I don't think I'm going to have time for all of this.
Secondly, I feel quite alone here. I came here with Carley, and love it when we do trips together, but I worry that we're on two very different paths, and she'll not be ready when I am. Other than that, I really have no one to travel with. And I guess not just travel, but spend time with and lean on, and have a strong relationship with. I really miss my family back home, and all of my friends, and dearly wish that they could be here doing this with me.
I feel pretty hopeless at the moment, like nothing is moving forward, I'm just at a stand still. All I want to do is travel, but I haven't got enough money or someone to go with right now.
At least the weather is cooling down...

Limbo

Thoughts of the day:
Frequent and extensive transit systems are no good when you have no place to go
Cities are pointless to live in when you have no one to go out with
Phone plans are expensive when you have no one to call
Having a gym membership does not necessarily mean you'll get in shape
The concrete jungle is slowing taking its toll on me

I'm having a hard time trying to find my happiness here. I'm really not happy to just stay in by myself, it's rather lonely, however I'm not entirely happy to spend every weekend at the pub, drinking away all the money I'm supposed to be saving. And to be honest, unless you're with really good mates, or you completely inebriated, it's just a mundane evening 9 out of 10 times. This is highly conducive to my lack of self confidence I'm sure, but I could have just grown out of that partying phase.
My dream involves a coastal town, a part time job and second hand surf board. Why do I find it so complicated to make that happen. The whole point of being here was to rid myself of strings and responsibilities and do what I want.
I'm looking for answers but I'm stuck in limbo...and believe me; the rent is too high in Limbo.

It was the best of times it was the worst of times. . .

I remember standing in a crowd in Nathan Philips Square drinking champagne from a paper cup and shivering in the cold. New years 2007/2008 looked like a promising year, not some much of a let down then the other previous new years I have endured. 2008 seemed to hold so much promise, so much adventure, and so many things that I never would have imagined would transpire.

2008 has proven to be the year that has changed my life. So many tings have changed and happened, it’s hard to keep track; and most of it seems like a movie stuck in fast forward, a blur that I need to slow down. I travelled the world this year; to Miami and the Bahamas, LA and Fiji, now Australia. I’ve lived out some of my greatest dreams; a John Mayer Cruise, several concert festivals with Jack Johnson, Death Cab, Stars, you name it. I had the most amazing job, got promoted, and made strong, everlasting friendships that have taken me literally across the world. I had the best summer of my life, lived in the greatest city, got to know who I was again. It was the best of times.

And yet it was the worst of times…I lost both of my grandmothers, Grandma Coulson in February, very unexpectedly upon arrival home from my cruise. Then Nana Rhodes, also very unexpectedly in June just after Alex’s graduation. Finally, my dearest pet Midngiht, a week before I left for Australia. All of the greatest times in this year have brought great sorrow as well. As the year winds down, I find myself trying to reflect upon what has actually happened. I still can’t believe that my grandmothers are gone, so many stories left untold, and wisdom unpassed. Also the greatest opportunities a 22 year old girl could ever ask for; some would say living a dream. But my dreams, although fulfilled are haunted as well.

Call me crazy but I don’t feel like kissing 2008 goodbye just yet, let alone sending it off with a big celebration. I’ve had my time of happiness and revel, and now I feel like it’s time for reflection and remembrance. I’ll still drink the champagne, even from a paper cup again, but replace the crowd and fireworks with an old photograph and silence and call it an early night…

(Since I wrote this, I have been peer pressured into going to the B&S Ball in Rockhampton. No silence or reflection time tonight, but this is a year I will always remember, and maybe spend 2009 reflecting on)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Australian Christmas Playlist

Christmas carols seem to be the only thing here that really connect me to the season. Considering there's no snow, no one has a chimney, it's +30 all the time, and no EGGNOG or candy cane fudge crackle ice cream (I know!), carols are the one thing that make it feel like Christmas for me. So here's my unconventional

Top Eight Christmas Songs For a Very Aussie Christmas.

8. I Saw Three Ships
7. Country Christmas
6. Christmas Will Be Just Another Lonely Day
5. Mistletoe (Colbie Callait)
4. Mele Kalikimaka
3. It Still Feels Like Christmas Time To Me (Lee Kernaghan)
2. I'll Be Home For Christmas
1. I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Steak With a Side of Tears

After a long day at work I sat down to eat dinner by myself; a simple steak on the barby...but you know when a certain taste or smell triggers and stirs your emotions? Well before I knew it, the tears were welling in my eyes and I was about to cry. The steak was cooked in such a way that it reminded me of the Island and cooking over the fire. This time of year, I wouldn't be at the island anyways, but since I have no chance of even being close to there, it makes me that much sadder.
I've been doing pretty well at adjusting here so far, but there are still elements of homesickness that linger in the back of my mind. Somehow I just don't feel like I fit in here, that I'm not on par with everyone else, that I'm just hanging in the shadows, following the crowd, blending in. In T.O. I was my own person, so independent, so free. I developed a life of my own that I loved, but here, it's like it's been handed to me and it makes me feel like a puzzle piece shoved in the wrong place. And it's not that I'm not grateful for everything I have here. I live with the most incredible family, have wonderful friends; but it's not those things that affect me. It's just a feeling of being unsettled, mostly because I know that I will leave here and this is temporary. Mom knows how much I love that feeling!
I find myself being envious of my friends with long term relationships, permanent jobs, and a car loan. Basically of feeling security. But this is what I came to do, and was excited to do. I just need to get excited again about this moment, this day, right now. I always look ahead and look at what's to come...travelling, New Zealand, but I need to find my happiness now. This is still my life that I'm living, it doesn't get put on hold while I'm away from home. Every day should count and should be a joyous one.
I've tried to incorporate the things I like to do into everyday life here to make it feel like normal; swimming, reading, etc. But in the words of John Mayer, "something's missing".
What is it?