Coming Back

So what do you do when you come “back”?

I once read a fellow travel blogger's article on coming home, and no matter where you come back to, who you see, or what you do, it’s always different, but rather, you’re always different. Coming home was something I was always afraid of. What would my old friends think, would I end up in the same old routine? So instead of really going back, I opted for a different path. I came out to Vancouver, a place I’d never been, to continue my travels, yet still come home. But there’s something off, something’s not right. I feel different, and it’s not something I’m enjoying, sadly to report. While I was hoping that I could treat this move like the last year and a half of my life, it’s become more of a settling than a transition. I find myself looking for more than making a quick buck and journeying to the next destination. There were things I wanted to accomplish here that would take more than 12 weeks. I have to stay. But the cost of it seems not worth it, metaphorically and literally. Here are my dilemmas;

The cost of living is so high in Vancouver, and I’m working 2 jobs that only pay me $10/h, half of what I was used to in Australia, where the living costs were the same. How can I live, let alone save in this kind of economy?

I need to save to accomplish the goals I’ve set for myself, but I don’t want to take 2 years to afford one thing. Example- going back to school, getting my PADI, taking trips around BC, travelling, doing extra curricular activities.

I don’t want to live the same life I did in Toronto- go to work, go out, make no money and spend it all.

As far as going back to school or attaining a more stable, meaningful job, I have to figure WHAT I want to do so that my time won’t be wasted.

Things in Vancouver are not going as planned and feel like a struggle. Part of my wants to just leave like I usually do, to another city, another country, anywhere. Where do I draw the line at actually proving that I can commit to something to better my future, and totally sacrificing my happiness and quality of living?

It thought that blogging might make me feel better, but the questions are now just written so I can read then, not answer them.

So Canada, How About We Get Together Some Time?

I love my country as much as the next Canadian, and I’m damn proud to tell people where I’m from when they ask and revel in the pleasure when they say it’s better than being American! But to tell you the truth, I’m not all that knowledgeable about Canada as I’d like to be. I can give tourists a rundown of the highlights of where to go, but I’ve never been out of Ontario; I don’t know what birthday this is for Canada; looking at a map sends my brain into overload. Get my drift? I know nothing about my home. And it wouldn’t bother me so much, because after travelling so much over here, all I want to do is get back to explore my own backyard…but everyone is going without me! All I’ve ever wanted to do it travel, but have always had the problem of finding mates to go with, so I’ve become the fearless lone traveler and ventured out solo. Only now that I’m away have my closest network of people now decided to travel. My parents are heading out west to BC and Vancouver Island, my brothers are going to Seattle, and my friends are doing a roadtrip across Canada, or so I’ve heard. Where were all these people when I needed to go! I shouldn’t complain; I’m in Australia, but sometimes it’d be great to travel with people I know, and the best times I’ve had have been with friends. I guess I’ll just have to convince them to all go again when I come back. Oh Canada, my home and native land, I miss thee, yet I hardly know ye.

Still searching

I'm having a mid trip crisis. Someone asked me how long I've been here and when I told them, 5 months, they coolly remarked that I was almost at my half year mark; half the trip was over. I was not very happy with this and didn't even put it together that I was almost at 6 months. So for the past week I'm been having major mood swings and questioning what I'm really doing. I've hardly done anything, and there's so much that I want to do. I don't think I'm going to have time for all of this.
Secondly, I feel quite alone here. I came here with Carley, and love it when we do trips together, but I worry that we're on two very different paths, and she'll not be ready when I am. Other than that, I really have no one to travel with. And I guess not just travel, but spend time with and lean on, and have a strong relationship with. I really miss my family back home, and all of my friends, and dearly wish that they could be here doing this with me.
I feel pretty hopeless at the moment, like nothing is moving forward, I'm just at a stand still. All I want to do is travel, but I haven't got enough money or someone to go with right now.
At least the weather is cooling down...

Single in the City

8:30pm, T.V. on, cell phone quiet- pathetic for a Saturday night, and a Valentine’s Saturday night at that. Feeling very dismal I put some decent clothes on and set out on a mission for my lover, moiseur chocolat (he’s French) But as I get going, I’m enjoying the cool feeling of soft rain on my skin and exploring my new neighborhood. As I walk to the main restaurant strip, I’m greeted by a hundred bouquets of red balloons littering the street. The restaurants are packed and there are couples everywhere…but I find myself not bothered and just keep walking. I realize that I haven’t really dated anyone or been in a real relationship for over 2 years. Being out of school and not in any sports or groups, it’s really hard to meet people of the opposite sex. I have no trouble meeting backpackers, and cute ones at that, but they’re just as temporary as I am.

Eventually I do end up at the grocery store and have found what I think are my fellow singletons; cute guys everywhere...with their girlfriends. There’s just no winning! I still buy the chocolate but the walk has made me feel so much better, I don’t need to eat my feelings, but it would be good just to have it on hand!

Someday Syndrome

The internet is a many splendid thing. I stumbled upon a website called Stumble Upon.
It's a website dedicated to sites that people come across and want to share with others. Then I found this link. Could it be the answer to my previous question? Do I have Someday Syndrome?
There's another whole website dedicated to Someday Syndrome. I think I have it pretty bad!
www.somedaysyndrome.com

Steak With a Side of Tears

After a long day at work I sat down to eat dinner by myself; a simple steak on the barby...but you know when a certain taste or smell triggers and stirs your emotions? Well before I knew it, the tears were welling in my eyes and I was about to cry. The steak was cooked in such a way that it reminded me of the Island and cooking over the fire. This time of year, I wouldn't be at the island anyways, but since I have no chance of even being close to there, it makes me that much sadder.
I've been doing pretty well at adjusting here so far, but there are still elements of homesickness that linger in the back of my mind. Somehow I just don't feel like I fit in here, that I'm not on par with everyone else, that I'm just hanging in the shadows, following the crowd, blending in. In T.O. I was my own person, so independent, so free. I developed a life of my own that I loved, but here, it's like it's been handed to me and it makes me feel like a puzzle piece shoved in the wrong place. And it's not that I'm not grateful for everything I have here. I live with the most incredible family, have wonderful friends; but it's not those things that affect me. It's just a feeling of being unsettled, mostly because I know that I will leave here and this is temporary. Mom knows how much I love that feeling!
I find myself being envious of my friends with long term relationships, permanent jobs, and a car loan. Basically of feeling security. But this is what I came to do, and was excited to do. I just need to get excited again about this moment, this day, right now. I always look ahead and look at what's to come...travelling, New Zealand, but I need to find my happiness now. This is still my life that I'm living, it doesn't get put on hold while I'm away from home. Every day should count and should be a joyous one.
I've tried to incorporate the things I like to do into everyday life here to make it feel like normal; swimming, reading, etc. But in the words of John Mayer, "something's missing".
What is it?

Home Sweet Home?

I've been everywhere man...I grew up in Porcupine, went to school in London, lived in Toronto and somehow I've found myself on the wrong side of the world in Australia. If that's not far away enough, I've received word that returning to "home sweet home" might not be possible. Dad's office back in Timmins as amalgamating with the Toronto office, and come this time next year, mom and dad could be down living in the GTA. Yeah, you could say I'm a freaking out a little bit at the moment. What does this mean for me? Who will move my stuff, do I have a room in the potential new house? And those aren't even the big issues, actually there's only one issue...I LOVE THAT HOUSE! I can't imagine going back to Canada and not going back to that beautiful warm house in quiet northern Ontario. Realistically, I will never live in Timmins permanently again, and I see myself settling down south so it would be great to have mom and dad close by. But I just love that house on that lake and I've never felt further away than at this time. So what does a girl do when she clicks her ruby heels but there's it no place to call home?
Rockhampton is my home for now, but a new plan of action has been set up which I'm so excited for. So excited it's aleviating my feelings of the "Timmins move". Sophie, Carley and I have been dreaming and scheming to get a Kombi and travel Australia...from Darwin to Tasmania, to Adelaide and Alice Springs, and not to forget about Perth. Problem was were really haven't been sure how or when or how much it would cost...until today! Sophie and I and the rest of the HBaz family were chatting and have come up with a brilliant plan of renting a camper for 6 months to travel. We have found a company that rents custom design vans for backpackers for a very reasonable price and will include insurance and road side assistance for 3 girls who don't want to get their hands dirty! The van sleeps three people, includes a kitchen, and has a buyback guarantee when you're done with it. They also offer discounts on accommodation, entertainment and dining when you're traveling. You can check out the website at www.wickedcampers.com.au. I cannot tell you how excited I am feeling right now. We can finally plan time lines and budgets and destinations and get this thing started. I'm not working 7 days a week for nothing I tell you! I just feel so inspired and energized. I will see Australia! And for now, a new place to call home... the wicked camper.

Am I There Yet?

It's far too late at night to be up when I have such an early morning, but I've gotten used to my bad habits when it comes to packing. As the night stretches to morning, I hope that I'll have enough sense to sleep before the sun rises. As I look around my cluttered room I can see things that I forgot to take care of. Loose ends that never got tied up. I have a little time left, but it's running out quickly, and I'll always wish there was more. I'm moving back to Porcupine this week and although I''m excited to be there with my family and friends for the next two months, it's hard to leave this city. Toronto has changed me in a way that I could have only hoped for, and opened doors that scare my mother. I've created a life here, a family, friends for life, all things that are hard to turn away from...but the itch is too strong to ignore and I can feel the fever. This is my sixth move in three years and it's not slowing down yet. My destination for tomorrow is merely the precursor to the biggest move I think I will ever do...or at least the farthest. Australia is the next pin on my map; on the way, L.A. and Fiji. I'd like you all to come, so this is the next best thing. I hope to enjoy this as much as I will!